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This is where I post about random stuff going on in my life. I probably won't post here daily, but I will do my best not to forget about it!
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I know no one reads these or looks at my site so I'm going to say something that I need too. You were my first close friend and you meant a lot to me. You and the others that I met too. I didn't have anyone I was like that with before you. I know I wasn't your best friend or your first friend like I considered you, but that didn't matter to me. I know you probably never really cared about me or wanted to be my friend, and I know that I had issues. I just wish we could be friends now. There was so much exploding within me at that time and I know I did things I shouldn't have. I was confused about myself and didn't know how to deal with everything. I don't think I could even think cohearently with the pills I was on for most of my life. I just really miss you and everyone. I want to tell you I'm sorry and I know most likely you don't think about what happenned between me and you very often or even feel the same way but this really eats me up inside because I miss you so much. I hate myself so much for how I was. I would do anything to be your friend again but I know you probably hate me. I wish I could just restart my life. I know it's stupid but it really does get to me so much. I don't know what to do about it. I hope putting this out here for most likely no one to see will at least help a little. I always wish to just hear from you one day wondering how I've been doing, but I know you don't think about me and probably don't want to accociate with me. I'm too scared to confront you. I will probably continue to keep this to myself until it kills me. I'm so pathetic I really am. I'm sorry.
I really doubt anyone reads theese or anything so I'll probably just vent here and say whatever I want. I hate myself and have no confidence at all. In fact I'm scared to have confidence. It feels uncomfortable and scary to feel good about myself. I've hated myself for so long that I don't know how to feel any other way. I was never really praised growing up and I always wanted someone to be proud of me but there never was. I had a lot of troubles growing up that really messed me up. I don't know what to say or where to even start all I know is I feel like my issues are too far gone to do anything about. I want to get better in so many ways but whenever I try it goes nowhere. It feels impossible. I'm tired of people telling me the same shit over and over I've heard everything a million times. I don't know how to truly cure myself of everything that gets to me constantly other than killing myself. I've just wanted to be put out of my misery for so long. I constantly wish I could restart my life and fix at least enough of this bullshit so that I didn't feel this way and could at least be a functioning human being. There is a void inside me that has kept growing and growing and it feels painful. I don't want to talk to anyone because I will just hear the same bullshit. No one really gives a shit about me. I feel like I can't connect to anyone. I hate it so much. The only one that I really have is Andre but I just cause problems for him. I can't work, I can barely even clean, I'm just a disgusting person to be around and he deserves someone who is better than me. He always says I don't bother him but I know he gets stressed and I feel like it's all my fault. I've always felt that suicide was inevitable for me. I just want to get it over with but I don't know when I'll finally do it or when I will break once and for all. I know I just annoy most people. I know I'm not very smart and probably sound retarded all the time. I can't forgive my own flaws. I know this is all stupid. I can't help but feel this way more and more. I hate this. I don't know what to do anymore.
Well I suppose this is my first entry. I was working on this site all day, I forgot how fun it was to customize webpages I used to customize my neopets profile page all the time when I was much younger. I got kind of sad in the afternoon. I wish I didn't get sad so easy. I always feel like I'm not good enough. I'll just keep trying harder I guess. I don't really have much to write today. Hopefully there will be more next time.
